so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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