omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
