ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
