whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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