My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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