Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Randomize
