Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
