i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sorry my hands just texted you
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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