i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
