Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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