I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
