Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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