I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i believe in u and ur pee
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
