Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
