Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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