I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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