i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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