Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize