Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
