You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
