Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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