So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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