did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
