Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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