i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
