she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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