The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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