our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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