I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
