i love accidental penises.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
