Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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