last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
