Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
