apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
