Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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