I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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