If that was your dad, he is hot
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize