why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
