You can't motorboat a personality
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Randomize
