you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm just crazy horny about you
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
