I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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