Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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