im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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