His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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