i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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