I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
