You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
