you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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