My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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