It was confusing and full of hummus
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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