I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I want her autograph on my taint
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
