What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
being pregnant is like rehab
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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