At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
