He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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