the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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