I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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