Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
