Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
