i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
