you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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